" The Substitute ": December 2011

Yesterday, I took my cat Midnight to the vet.
Again.

For the better part of the year, I have tried to figure out what's happened with her...This spring/summer she started vomiting a lot. First it was once every couple days, then it was daily. We tried lots of things: blood tests (normal), exams, changes in diet, medicine... Still vomiting.

The previous time I went to the vet, I was pretty disappointed in the whole situation because I waited 2 hours in the waiting room only to be seen by a vet for about 5 minutes. I had to point out that Midnight had lost 1/2 a pound. I'm pretty sure she didn't even look at the chart at all. She didn't actually exam my cat or anything. When I tried to show her a picture of my cat's vomit on my camera (so she could possibly use it for diagnosis) she said she wouldn't look at it because it makes her sick.

Come on.

It's not like I'm trying to show the cashier at Safeway. I'm showing someone WHOSE JOB IT IS to diagnose and care for various pet diseases. WTF.

So, I took her home and tried a prescription diet. It didn't work. Slowly she started eating less and less and losing weight pretty rapidly. The past few days she has hardly touched her food. And about 3 days ago I woke up and found she had vomited blood all over the floor.

I knew it was serious and I took her to the vet, again, hoping for a better examination.... which we got.

This vet came in having already read the chart (I have been going there for 4 years so they have all information on her). She asked lots of questions. She examined my cat.She looked at her teeth and gums, she took her pulse and heart rate, she felt her stomach.... and that's when she found it.

A tumor the size of a golf ball.

The other vet didn't do any of that examination stuff. Maybe she would have found a lump to clue us in earlier...

Anyways, at the time, I was so grateful that the vet actually did her job and as a result we got answers. However, when I got the answer, I couldn't hold it in. Luckily, Jeremiah was there because when she told us I was a blubbering fool. I couldn't stop crying.
I'm sure the pregnancy hormones are amplifying things a little...I just couldnt hold it in at all. The vet gave us some privacy. I couldn't stop crying the whole time I was there. I had to leave the vet office through the back exit.

We were given a few options. We could spend hundreds of dollars (which we don't have) on an ultrasound and additional tests. Then even more money on attempting surgery/treatment (if it is even possible). Chances are it's so big, it is too late to fix and has intertwined itself with organs so separating it would likely kill her anyways.

Or, we could try to make her as comfortable as possible in the few days she has left with us, using the time to say goodbye...and then put her to sleep before she starts suffering too badly.

It's one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make.

She's only 4 years old. I've had her since she was 8 weeks (we adopted her early because she was the runt of the litter and probably would have died as a kitten). We had to feed her formula in tiny little dipping sauce bowls...she could hardly hold her head up, and would "come up for air" with milk all over her whiskers and chin and nose.

She has been our baby these past 4 years when we couldn't have a real baby. She is a part of our family. Last night, I wrote by the light of the Christmas tree a list of all my favorite Midnight memories.

It's just like losing an important person, because she has been our family member all these years. I can't even put into words how hard this is for me. Every single time I think about it, I start crying...and I hardly ever cry.

I will just have to pick her up as much as possible, and feed her all her favorite things (even though she only takes a few bites), and just enjoy these last few days with my baby.

And now, a bunch of pictures of my cat.